Hello this is Carlos. I’m a cowboy, babyyyyyyyy.

Hey, I freaking love Kid Rock. He is an American badass. And I am a cowboy, babyyyyy. 

And for the record, I only know the exact amount of Sudafed to buy at Walgreens because my wife has a higher than normal level of sinus issues. 😉🤠 

Hello this is Carlos. Forget Candyman - he is a total wimp. Why don’t you try saying CARLOS three times in the mirror. I’ll scare the crap out of you.

 

Hello this is Carlos. All y’all are at work trying to get your #MondayMotivation on. Meanwhile, I’m drinking beer. Sucks to be you.

 

Hello this is Carlos. When I do a pushup, I’m not lifting myself up, I’m pushing the Earth down.

 

Hello this is Carlos. I travel the world in my never ending quest for #beer.

 

Hello this is Carlos. If I could shoot a bird with my toes, I would. Quit taking pictures of my feet, dammit.

 

Hello this is Carlos. In 2003, an Olive Garden waitress told me to tell her when to stop grating cheese on my salad. As far as I know, she is still doing it.

 

Hello my name is Carlos. My boy Donnie died today. As you can see from this picture he sent me, we were besties. I’m going to miss swapping stories on who had the best interview techniques. I still think I won, but then he started one upping me with his “advanced” interrogation techniques. I’m convinced he totally made up that name.

 

Hello this is Carlos. Apple, I am trying to cuss my idiot kids out but they just think I have a ducking duck fetish. You ducking suck.

 

Hello this is Carlos. Cicadas want to hide out for 17 years and then return like a damn zombie apocalypse. Hold my beer - I’m about to show those assholes who’s the boss.

 

Hello this is Carlos. I watched the movie Firestarter last night. I want to be just like Drew Barrymore so I am practicing my pyrokinesis skills. No luck yet. Hopefully it will work by dinner time.

 

Hello this is Carlos. My kids say I’m an idiot. Keep saying it kids - I can’t hear you! La la la. Now who’s the idiot??

 

Hello this is Carlos. It’s National Best Friends Day. I wanted to tell my BFF - Bud Light - that I appreciate all your support. Love you man!

 

Hello this is Carlos. I am exhausted. Thanks to Blaire Erskine , I have been working overtime to break the internet. Kim Kardashian ain’t got nothing on me

 

Hello this is Carlos. See this Cadillac? I drive it like a boss. Straight up baller, yo.

Hello this is Carlos. Screw Columbus - I am renaming today "Carlos Day". Kids all around the country will now learn about my never ending quest to find cold beer.

Hello this is Carlos. I wish I had an extra finger. Then I could grab even more cheese balls.

Hello this is Carlos. Tomorrow is my birthday. I am going to party my ass off.

Hello this is Carlos. You need the last four digits of my social security number for me to make a payment on my cable bill? Why? Is there a rash of unauthorized bill-paying going on that we should know about?

Hello this is Carlos. When my kids are bad I take them out back and make them listen to a bunch of boring stories about my job.

Hello this is Carlos. Can I just drop it like it's luke warm? It's been a long day and I'm tired.

Hello this is Carlos. I just learned the hard way not to scream "Hi!!" to my friend Jack on a plane.

Hello this is Carlos. This is my costume. I am dressed up as Carlos. Halloween is for idiots.

Hello this is Carlos. If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I'll always assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.

Hello this is Carlos. I just renamed my WIFI network to "Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while...

Hello this is Carlos. After extensive research, I've come to the conclusion the very few turtles ARE ninjas.

Hello this is Carlos. The doctor asked me if I drank alcohol. I said no. We laughed.

Hello this is Carlos. I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

Hello this is Carlos. I don't mean to brag about my financial situation, but I can afford to super size almost any meal I get at McDonald's.

Hello this is Carlos. First rule of thumb - thumbs shouldn't have rules. It doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.

Hello this is Carlos. I just wrecked myself. I wish I'd checked myself beforehand.

Hello this is Carlos. I'm going to admit to it. It’s been bugging me for about 10 years now and I need to get it off my chest. I let the dogs out.

Hello this is Carlos. Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch, just to show them what I'm capable of.

Hello this is Carlos. I think that if it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

Hello this is Carlos. I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

Hello this is Carlos. I have been thinking a lot lately. Did I say "thinking"? I meant "drinking."

Hello this is Carlos. The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the pot of water to boil.

Hello this is Carlos. I am having an intelligent conversation with my son. Just kidding. He's making fart noises.

Hello this I Carlos. Actually, I prefer to think that beer smells like me.

Hello this is Carlos. When I do a pushup, I’m not lifting myself up, I’m pushing the Earth down.